Depression comes in many forms. It sucks you in and lurks around every corner, behind every door, underneath every bed. It’s in the air you breath, It is the feeling that you are drowning everyday. Depression comes to work with you, on your vacations, your family outings, it tags along on holidays that are supposed to be filled with joy. It even comes to bed with you & terrorizes your dreams so you can not sleep. It is awaiting for you when you wake up & it’s not waiting with a cup of coffee and a bagel to wish you a good day! It is waiting to see you fear the day ahead, waiting for you to avoid your family members and friends, waiting impatiently for you to turn to unhealthy habits & sin to “numb” the pain. It is waiting to see what it can do to ruin the day, just like every other day.
Depression is selfish, it wants you all to itself. It can’t wait to see your chest rise up and down as you try and catch your every breath. This is caused by Depression’s best friend, Anxiety. They are like two peas in a pod. They feed off one another, encourage each other.
When you look in the mirror, you see a failure, someone who is weak. You do not see that beautiful person that everyone else tells you that they see. As a matter of fact, your sick of your family and friends lying to you about it, telling you constantly how wonderful you are. You see someone who is dumb, incompetent, a loss cause. You see yourself as lazy because sometimes getting out of the bed, brushing your teeth, or even taking a shower seems like the hardest thing in the world to do.
Depression and Anxiety love to weasel their way into your head and play mind games. They tell you that you are never going to accomplish or amount to anything. “Your a disappointment to your family” they say. “No one is ever going to love you, your pathetic,” they say. There “motto,” is to tell you, “You would be better off dead.”
If you have been through something tragic, that is their feeding ground for fun. You can forget about forgetting it, they will not allow that to happen. As a matter of fact, “It was your fault,” they say. According to Depression and Anxiety, you deserved every bit of what you got/get. The blame game; “you could have prevented it and you did nothing to stop it!” or yet again, “Your better off dead,” they say. Your tragedy is their constant full course meal. They put it on repeat in your head so you will never forget what you saw, what you heard, what you did or didn’t do.
Depression and Anxiety are sneaky little guys. They place things on the street, the TV, in the newspaper, around your family and friends. Where ever you go; people, places, or things will pop up to remind you of all the horrible things you so desperately want to forgive yourself for. All the pain and suffering you go through or have gone through, they find a way for it to manifest its ugly face in one way or another.
They are playful, they are bullies. They love to play games. One of their favorites is to stir up trouble and watch you turn your back on your loved ones who are trying desperately to help, but you blame them instead. Accepting responsibility is out of the question. Flashbacks, Night Terrors, and Triggers; these are a few of their favorite games!
Depression and Anxiety cause you to appear awkward & weird. Eye contact with others become almost impossible. Carrying on a normal conversation? Well, you can forget that. You are either fidgeting with something to avoid eye contact or talking about something completely off topic just to have something to say. “They all know you are nervous,” Anxiety says. “Look at what a weirdo they think you are,” plays over & over in your head until you feel the panic start to set in. The room gets smaller and smaller, you get to feeling hot and dizzy, you convince yourself your about to pass out if you do not get away. “Your better off dead than living like this,” you tell yourself.
I am sure this does not come as a shock, but these guys are party animals! They love for you to party with them. “The bottle is a pain killer for your sadness,” they say. “All your pain will be gone after a few drinks or a few pills,” they say. Depression and Anxiety want you to lose control. They take away your “limit” button. Just when they have you at your lowest point, making sure your mind is not clear, “You would be better off dead they say.” When you decide you are done with the unhealthy, sinful ways, they breakout the “repeat” button. Addiction is their strongest power. The peer pressure is so intense, you can’t even see through the black layer of smoke surrounding your mind and your thoughts.
If you really want to upset Depression and Anxiety, just show a little happiness, strength, or a sign of some sort of improvement. A smile on your face is like a blow to their face. You do not deserve to be happy. They put on their strongest set of armor, they come at you full force with all of their lies, games, and tactics. Much harder, stronger, and faster. They pull on you like a rubber band. They lay, what feels like a ton of bricks, on your chest until you give in. Then, the cycle starts all over again.
Have you ever heard of the movie, “Ground Hog Day?” That is what living with Depression & Anxiety are like in my eyes. Everyday is a struggle and feels the same. It feels like you have given your voice to Ursella from “The Little Mermaid.” Convinced you that you will never find a Prince to save you from the dark world you are trapped in. No matter how much you try and scream the pain away, it stays with the enemy, where you are held captive under the depths of the water. You tread and tread as hard as you can, but eventually it is easier to sink than to swim.