A letter to my younger self
A letter to my younger self
I will be posting a blog with my full testimony, but this is the day that I went from true death to life. This is my baptism from Passion City Church in Atlanta, Georgia. When you read my full testimony (coming soon) you will hear about what a mess I was. The tragedy that struck us in 2010 took the life and soul right out of me. It is only by the love of God and his will and plan for my life that I am here today to be able to share my testimony. I believe “Your Test will become your Test-imony” and “Your MESS will become your MESSage”
Life. What is the meaning of life? Life can be wonderful; it can be cruel. Life can bring happiness & it can bring sorrow. Life may have meaning & purpose to some or could have none to others. What life means to me now is far beyond what I ever thought it would mean to me after the day I lost my parents. That is not only the day before my son’s 2nd birthday or just days before Thanksgiving, but what I considered to be the day that I “died.” I experienced a tragedy that sucked every bit of life I had right out of me at just 26 years old. It was the day the enemy stole my heart, my hope, my will to live, & deleted any love or faith I ever had in Jesus. My amazing daddy & beloved stepmother, Pam, left this world on November 22, 2010. I died also, the only difference is that they no longer had beating hearts or blood pumping through their body.
I had an amazing Father & Stepmom. They were devout Christians, wonderful grandparents & just all around the best parents you could ever ask for. I could go on about them for hours.
In late 2009, I found myself divorced & a single mother to a one-year old boy & 7-year-old girl. With the help of my parents, we found a beautiful home for me & my kids & had a great job lined up. They moved closer just to help be there for me & the kids. Life was perfect.
During mid-2010, my father developed rheumatoid arthritis & fell into a deep depression. He was unable to do the things he loved to do & it devastated him. He started drinking, taking anti-depressants & anxiety meds, he was not the man I once knew. Pam was worried because he was getting angrier by the day.
The day before their death was my son’s 2nd birthday party. My father was acting strange & I could tell he had been drinking which upset me. We got into it & as I watched his taillights disappear, I felt sick. Before Pam left, she grabbed my face & said “You are so beautiful, I love you so much & I hope you know that.” When I tucked in my daughter, Pam had left a note on her T.V that said, “Gigi loves you SO much & can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”
The next morning, I headed to drop the kids off. When I pulled up, I felt something was wrong. My daughter ran in first. As I walked in, she was standing over him. She thought he was playing possum. A shot gun lied next to him with blood all over. I locked her in the car & ran back in screaming, “what have you done?!” I looked over & saw Pam lying in the bed. I removed the blanket; she was cold, naked, & lifeless. The room was spinning, I could not breathe, there was blood & bullets all over, it was a horrific scene to say the least. PTSD, night terrors, anxiety & depression took over. Alcohol & pills were needed daily. I hated God, became suicidal, & lost custody of my kids.
This torment lasted 7.5 years. My, now husband, stood by my side but the enemy had such a stronghold on me. God had other plans! He sent an Angel who came to our home, spoke of her daughter’s suicide, how God saved her & recommended a church. We attended it days later, on a baptism day. Such powerful testimonies were given. My husband & I gave our life to the Lord that day. I became alive in Christ & was baptized a year later. I never imagined it possible to feel peace, happiness & live anxiety free. I did not expect to still be living, much less so in love with life, Jesus, & the desire to help others! I was saved & forgiven by God’s Love & Grace. I am living proof that you, too, are loved & can be forgiven! He gave his life for our sins, no matter how big or small. All you must do is ask!
Deuteronomy 30:15-20: I set before you today life & prosperity, death & destruction. For I command you today to love your Lord God, to walk in obedience to him, & keep his commands, decrees & laws; then you will live & increase, & the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.
Dear Jesus, hold all your children who live with depression. Send your love through followers & your word that they may be assured of your love in their dark hours. In Jesus name, Amen.
Depression comes in many forms. It sucks you in and lurks around every corner, behind every door, underneath every bed. It’s in the air you breath, It is the feeling that you are drowning everyday. Depression comes to work with you, on your vacations, your family outings, it tags along on holidays that are supposed …